First Impressions of "First Impressions of Earth" - Chris Version

"Don't be a coconut/God is trying to talk to you."

"You Only Live Once" - Nice. This reminds me of U2 for some reason, although that could just be because I am in Sara's room, the center of the the U2 universe. I may just be picking up some of Bono's brain waves...this is a damned solid opening track. I think if I were a music critic, I would call it "loping." Yes homo.

"Juicebox" - This is bad. This actually sounds like Limp Bizkit or something...where are the turntables? Oh, okay, now - about 2:00 in, it suddenly becomes indie rock. But for the first two minutes, it sounds like Weezer's "Hash Pipe". Man, I hope the next song is better...come on and kick me.

"Heart In A Cage" - I can get down with this. The guitar solos are a little kitschy, but what the hell - the guy's name is Fabrizzio Moretti. If he didn't play '80's-ass guitar solos, the name department would have to come change his name. I like this a lot. The drumming is really tinny and loud, the guitar reminds me of Nick Zinner's awesome riff for the Yeah Yeah Yeah's "Y-Control". Too bad this track has THE FUCK WORD.

"Razorblade" - This takes me back to the days of sitting in my garage, listening to my brother practice guitar. His guitar playing sounded like he was nodding off on heroin, but that was just because he sucked. On "Razorblade," it sounds like Fab Moretti may actually be nodding off on actual heroin. I think I could learn to play this song on guitar in five minutes. I will bet you ten dollars that I could learn to play this by the end of the night. And I am awful at shit. Sample lyric: "Oh/my feelings/are more important than yours."

"On The Other Side" - A reggae track. If you're thinking "That could either be neat or really bad," you're correct. It is in fact one of those two, and I won't say which one it is, but I'll just say it makes me want to spray diarrhea in their faces like a high-pressure water hose. I'll leave it to the reader to decide whether I am the kind of dude that shoots diarrhea when he is pleased or disappointed.

"Vision of Division" - Is this track gonna be about math? I think Julian Casablancas drank a lot during these sessions. He starts yelling about half way through this song and it really does not fit. About 1:50 into this song, Fab Moretti wakes up from the trance he's been in for the last four songs and shreds it up. As quickly as that started, it's over, it's like they cut and pasted some face-melting shredding into the song randomly. Julian Casablancas shouts "How long must I wait?" over and over about 30 times while they ride this track out, and that shit GETS MAD OLD. GETS MAD OLD. GETS MAD OLD. GETS MAD OLD. GETS MAD OLD.

"Ask Me Anything" - Whoa, hot shit! This synthesizer riff is wicked hot. It's like that fuckin' song "Hot Butter" - you know the one? It's just a whacky arpeggiator...uh oh, there's Julian Casablancas again. It is like he ate a bowl of Alpha Bits (Alpha Bits in the house!) and shat these lyrics. Sample lyric: "Don't be a coconut/God is trying to talk to you"...I AM NOT KIDDING. Someone in this band is hooked on Oxycontin, and I think his name starts with "J" and ends in "ulian"...

"Electricityscape" - Buy this song when it hits i-tunes. This shit is bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s! Wow, the drummer didn't phone this one in, he is ripping shit up. Larry Mullen, Jr. look out baby. Whoever the Strokes drummer is, he is on your ass. Let's make up a name for him right now: Thor Johnson. Thor Johnson, big respect dude. WOW. THIS SONG ALMOST MAKES UP FOR THE LAST SIX.

"Killing Lies" - Okay. Again, I have a mentally retarded cousin (whattup Stevie! See you at Thanksgiving big dog) that could play this shit on guitar. I thought Fab was supposed to be nice with it? This is awful. This sounds like the song my brother's garage band (they were called HIV Positive, so that whenever announcers said their name, they would have to say "These guys are HIV Positive." Which, looking back on it, is really, really disgustingly distasteful) would play to warm up. This shit is miserable.

"Fear of Sleep" - Check into rehab. Never make another album this bad again or I will drive to Williamsburg, Brooklyn, break into your tiny, $9,000/month apartment, shave your afro off and feed it to you. I would pay good money to punch the singer in the balls. If their manager is reading this, holla at me in the comments - I will pay good money to punch anyone in this band in the balls. Even Thor. Seriously, someone needs to get fed to Mister Wu's pigs over this bologna. Why do I give a fuck, actually, it's gonna go faster than leftover crack when it hits record stores. People love turds.

All I need in this world is malt liquor, love, and catchy choruses. And this album has not had one fuckin' hummable chorus at all.

"Ize of the World" - I'm going to give this one three stars just because it doesn't make me want to kill myself. I think the Julian Casablancas just sang "your sandwhichy smile"...please tell me he actually said that. Nope. I checked the lyrics and he said "You're sad but you smile". Fuck.

"Evening Sun" - This sounds like the old Strokes albums. If you like those, you'll love this. Man, Julian Casablancas' voice gets so old after a while. At this point on the album, I would like strangle him. The guitar is mixed twice as loud as everything on this album. Which probably sounded awesome when they were getting high and mixing it, but sounds pretty rough to this listener.

"Red Light" - A pop song. Thank you, Jeebus. Pick this one up on the i-Tunes as well, but don't buy this album unless you, too, are nodding off on heroin. Or else you just feel the need to own it before entering your local Aeropostale store and picking up some hot new logo tees! When the guitarists in this band (I have learned that there are two, and neither of them are Fab. Thor is actually Fab) decide to write some licks, the shit sounds nice. There are about four good songs on this album. I was disappointed. But at leat they ended it on a high note, which brought a smile to my sandwichy face.