Sunday, March 05, 2006

Live OscarBlog 2006


Famus For Fifteen Live OscarBlog

6:25: Checking in for the first time because Sara and I are making penis-shaped cupcakes in a show of support for Heath Ledger, best actor. Actually I'm torn, it'd be pretty nice to see Terrence Howard win the Oscar, and hear how the symphony handled "Hard Out There For A Pimp". I gotta go check on my schlong-cakes...

6:29: Oh my God, George Clooney is an ice-cold pimp. He is seriously trying to get this woman's panty drawers.

While I was making the penis cupcakes, the following exchange:

Alysia: "Wow, you have enough batter to make a ton of peniscakes."
Chris: "Actually, I'm stopping after this pan. Right now, we have a ratio of like three penis cakes per person."
Alysia: "You can't just throw it all away."
Allison: "I mean, there are kids in Africa who don't get to eat penis."

6:56: It may just be that I drink a lot, but I have no idea who ANY of the people hosting the pre-show are. And all of the questions that they're asking are
ridiculous! Why ask David Strathairn (sp?) if he still smokes? Who are these people?

6:56: Allison Cormier: "I wish I had a butt like the Oscar statue."

THE VERY FIRST IMAGE THAT CAME ON SCREEN WAS THE DELOREAN FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE. Fuck it, I'm drinkin' tonight!

7:04 I don't know how it happened

7:08 Chris made the mistake of letting Sara sit in front of the computer. PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS CAKES!!!!

7:09 "Not all gays are virile cowboys"

7:10 Bjork couldn't be here tonight because she was trying on her dress and DICK CHENEY shot her.

7:12 Jon Stewart gets the ICE GRILLE from Jamie Foxx. Walk the Line was apparently not the white man's Ray.

7:16 What the fuck is Nicole Kidman talking about? Chris: She is so blunted!

7:18 "I thought that was Dave Matthews" Chris, in response to seeing a picture of Paul Giamatti.

7:23 George Clooney gives his first stump speech, and it's actually really nice. I mean, I'm a liberal, but every time Susan Sarandon opens her mouth I just want to shoot a potato gun at her face.

7:26 Shout out to my dog Hooch!


Ben Stiller, please go die. You are a douche and your stupid skit sucks.

7:32 Awesome, it's Nick Park.

7:35 Naomi Watts looks like a goddamned cavewoman. Whoa, WTF, where the hell did Dolly Parton come from, and why? It's not fair that she gets to do this, but they don't get to do "Hard Out There For a Pimp". Alysia just compared Dolly Parton to an ant, with their sectioned bodies, which is one parts funny, three parts cruel.

The envelopes that the award-winners' names are in look like Netflix envelopes.

7:48 Jennifer Anniston comes out and you can just see the depression seeping out of her every pore. As she walks out, Sara: "Somebody please marry this woman."

7:51 That costume-designing woman just thanked "the people of Japan." That means she thanked
127,417,244 people.

7:59 Alysia just pointed out that the dude who played the Sith Lord looks like Pope Benedict.


8:06 - Rachel Weisz robbed Michelle Williams. Every man in America is thinking the same thing about her chest...oh, who am I kidding? I'm one of like six men in America watching The Oscars.

8:12 - Scott Hearne and Alysia are laughing at Lauren Bacall for all of the trouble she's having getting her lines out, the mean fuckers. The tribute to film noir was really nice.

8:22 - George Clooney is king of the tasty face tonight! And Charlize Theron is queen of the big-ass bows.

8:25 - These penguin dudes can kiss my ass. Murderball was way better.

8:28 - Wow, they put the new Goldfrapp single in a Diet Coke commercial.

8:37 - As Samuel Jackson walks out, Alysia shouts "Snakes on planes! Snakes on planes!"

FUCK YEAH! Howard Beale is in the place.

8:42 - Sara and I are gonna get a pet chicken and name it Gregory Peck. There's an amazing joke going on in the room about having sex in a tent with Itzak Perlman, but there's no way I could really convey it. You had to be there.

8:48 - The guy who wrote the Brokeback Mountain song just thanked "all the Latinos," which is approximately 296.5 million people. That's more than twice the number of people that the costume designer from "Pride & Prejudice" thanked.


8:57 - Dude, why do they keep slamming DVDs? Theater-going = Tupac Shakur, DVD's = Biggie Smalls?

9:00 PM - Someone please feed Jessica Alba. She used to have some junk in her trunk, and it was beautiful. Sara comes through with the vulgarity: "His penis would break her!"

LILY TOMLIN AND MERYL STREEP please shut the hell up. If this were a true Robert Altman-style tribute to Robert Altman, it would go on for four and a half hours and be overrated by everyone. I gave up on Nashville after an hour and a half with no idea what was happening. The Long Goodbye was nice.

9:13 - Robert Altman eats brains.

9:19 - Three Six Mafia is on the Academy Awards. I must be on drugs. I mean, other than the cold and flu medication. I'm so thowed. Why did the stencil quit blogging before this happened?

9:23 - Allison eats the balls first, in case anyone was wondering.

9:28 - Memoirs of A Geisha has been nominated in, like, every technical category. Alysia: "King Kong is sweeping the awards that no one gives a damn about."


9:41 - Jon Stewart: "Martin Scorsese: zero Oscars. Three Six Mafia: One."

9:43 - Allison: "Seriously, if someone is going to thank me from one part of their heart, I'd like it to be the bottom, because that's where the ventricles are and they do all of the work."


10:12 - "Fuck the New Yorker." Allison the Hater.

10:20 Ugh. Hideous graphic design! I mean do we really need the title of the movie 3 times vs. a teeny tiny screen of the movie? Who let the intern design the title cards for Best Director??

10:22 Mother fucking Jack Nicholson in the HOUSE! He is obviously on Valium.

10:23 BULLSHIT? CRASH? Fuck what? I'm horribly confused.

Good Night and Good Luck next year.

18 Comments:

Blogger Alysia said...

Man, how much bullshit is the Crash win? How much bullshit is the fact that a few friends of mine are blogging about how happy they are that Crash won. BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT I SAY!

9:06 PM  
Blogger Alysia said...

Also, Chris, about the change to S.O.A.P

http://www.snakesonablog.com/2006/03/02/snakes-on-imdb/

9:22 PM  
Blogger Sammy said...

hey guys, i thought this Oscars was quite a success, and Jon Stewart did a nice job. And I loved Crash, much better than Strokesack Mountain and Heath Ledgers horrible attempt at sounding like a cowboy.

6:30 AM  
Blogger Noma said...

Man, I wish I'd've been with you guys, eating penis cakes.

At least Salma Hayek could pronounce Santaolalla right. Whew. Finally.

And it was so tacky that Naomi Watts wore a costume from King Kong...or at least it looked like it had been mauled by a great ape.

See? I'd've fit right in.

6:49 AM  
Blogger Billy Vidrine said...

Whoo-hoo! Best live oscar bog from famousforfifteen...ever!

Robert Altman is not overrated, Chris. The French New Wave is overrated.

I was glad the awards were spread out this year.

Murderball might be cool but the grizzlies from Grizzly Man would have taken those gimps to SCHOOL on the court. Don't get me started about the fuckin' penguins.

What about Paradise Now? What happened? Tsosti? Man, it shoulda been City of God, anyway (I don't care what year it came out)

You're right, Chris you were one of ten staright men watching the Oscars last night (I was caught up in Critters. Scott Grimes ROCKS!) But correct me if I'm wrong: didn't Three Six Mafia get to perform? And didn't it kick ass that they won?

Sorry, Phillip Seymor Hoffman deserves the Oscar period. Crash...not so much.

9:23 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

I'm gonna stick by my guns here. I believe Robert Altman is overrated. I also believe "Breathless" is overrated, but "Band of Outsiders" vs. "McCabe and Mrs. Miller"?

2:27 PM  
Blogger Billy Vidrine said...

Definitely McCabe and Mrs. Miller...Leonard Cohen, snowy landscapes, realistic depictions of Western tropes and Julie Christie as an opium addicted madam. What does Band of Outsiders have? That run through the Louvre? Handheld camera work? Occasions when the characters address the camera for no apparent reason? I would actually take Breathless over Band..., simpler story, original characters (which are the basis for the characters in Band of Outsiders) and really creative editing ideas. Plus it came first which means we don't have that sense of "I gotta top Breathless" that kinda runs throughout Band...

9:21 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Okay, I'll take the Pepsi challenge with your stoner ensemble pictures any day of the week. Round two:
RIFIFI
VS.
O.C. & STIGGS

I guess the Robert Altman one is better, in the sense that you can buy it at the $1 bins at any Walgreen's.

I admit that there are many Robert Altman films I truly enjoy, that I get a thrill out of watching. I love "m*a*s*h," "short cuts," "the long goodbye." I think he made some great films, and I totally respect your appreciation of his style. I'm not on some "Look at me, I am so smart, you're a stupid bitch!" stuff either because that's silly.

Maybe I am just missing something.

But...

California Split. Buffalo Bill and the Indians. Oh dear lord, Popeye. Nashville. Popeye. Popeye. Popeye. Poop eyes.

*stares off into space*

Wildcat...wildcat...*makes exploding noise*

I love you Bill. Don't break up with me over Robert Altman.

12:07 PM  
Blogger Billy Vidrine said...

Don't worry about that, man, it could never happen.

Now, Riffi wins over OC and Stiggs (which I love) It is just the better movie, one of the greatest heist films ever (and one of the first "modern" crime thrillers used as a blueprint for many a robbery afterward). OC and Stiggs is just absolute melt down acid test 1980's teen comedy, which in a way puts it in the company of these French New Wave Crime films in that it deconstructs the genre it belongs to and exapnds te possibilities contained therein.

Popeye kicks ass Chris. You just do not know what you are talking about here. The Harry Nillson score makes me weepy every time I see it, Robin Williams brings depth to his rle that no one else possibly could have (and shows wha might have been if he had tried to do something more akin to Nicholas Cage in Vampire's Kiss rather than Bicentennial Man with the rest of his carreer) and the application of the Altman style to a friggin' kids movie is just too bizarre for me not to love with all my heart.

Buffalo Bill and the Indians is also better than you seem to be implying, Paul Newman exposes a wounded, racist heart in the Western Hero Mystique that I've always looked for in my movies in this genre. The overlapping characters add to the narrative (or lack thereof) and give resonance to what could have been a tired rehash of old 1970s revisionism within a "white man's" genre. It has more to it than meets the eye.

I can't vouch for the other films you mention, though I hear California Split is a fun James Caan vehicle and I love Jimmy Caan. Maybe it is unfair to compare a single director to an entire "movement" in cinema (which is debateable, even among its practitioners) I'll admit that Altman makes mistakes. OC and Stiggs is a "mistake" but a glorious one. The Gingerbread Man, not so much. I would simply argue that, consistently, you will find more quality films from his cannon of work than any single director from the French New Wave. Neither one of us is saying that we do not enjoy and devour the films the other is prostalitizing (sorry, I shouldn't use words I cannot spell). We just have different preferences.

All things considered, while I did not see the Academy Awards I do think Altman has earned a tribute. But then I think Roger Corman does too. And Jesus Franco. But that's just me. So put the ring back on your finger, Chris and start returning my phone calls (after 9 PM)

1:20 PM  
Blogger Billy Vidrine said...

I take back all that mature let's-talk-about-this-like-adults bullshit. This is the internet for Christ's sake.


Bite me, fanboy!

Commence the bombardment of flames!

1:23 PM  
Blogger Billy Vidrine said...

Or not.

1:24 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:13 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

"I would simply argue that, consistently, you will find more quality films from his cannon of work than any single director from the French New Wave."

Say hello to mon ami petite.

I know I'm losing this one, but I have to break out the big boy in my last attempt for argument's sake. And to be fair, Altman made like three films a day for a while there.

You know, I actually really like Altman, and all that he stands for. I am just antagonizing you because it is easy and fun.

2:15 PM  
Blogger saratoga said...

Here's what I think:

Je frappe mon poulet tous les temps.

10:32 AM  
Blogger Billy Vidrine said...

What the heck does that mean? Go back to Germany, Dutchman!

12:13 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

Obviously, Bill, you don't speak Spanish.

12:46 PM  
Blogger Billy Vidrine said...

I've never wanted to go to Italy, so what?

1:13 PM  
Blogger Billy Vidrine said...

Man, this comment thread is bigger, longer and tougher than that cupcake thread from back in the day!

1:15 PM  

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