Live OscarBlog 2006

Famus For Fifteen Live OscarBlog

6:25: Checking in for the first time because Sara and I are making penis-shaped cupcakes in a show of support for Heath Ledger, best actor. Actually I'm torn, it'd be pretty nice to see Terrence Howard win the Oscar, and hear how the symphony handled "Hard Out There For A Pimp". I gotta go check on my schlong-cakes...

6:29: Oh my God, George Clooney is an ice-cold pimp. He is seriously trying to get this woman's panty drawers.

While I was making the penis cupcakes, the following exchange:

Alysia: "Wow, you have enough batter to make a ton of peniscakes."
Chris: "Actually, I'm stopping after this pan. Right now, we have a ratio of like three penis cakes per person."
Alysia: "You can't just throw it all away."
Allison: "I mean, there are kids in Africa who don't get to eat penis."

6:56: It may just be that I drink a lot, but I have no idea who ANY of the people hosting the pre-show are. And all of the questions that they're asking are ridiculous! Why ask David Strathairn (sp?) if he still smokes? Who are these people?

6:56: Allison Cormier: "I wish I had a butt like the Oscar statue."

THE VERY FIRST IMAGE THAT CAME ON SCREEN WAS THE DELOREAN FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE. Fuck it, I'm drinkin' tonight!

7:04 I don't know how it happened

7:08 Chris made the mistake of letting Sara sit in front of the computer. PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS CAKES!!!!

7:09 "Not all gays are virile cowboys"

7:10 Bjork couldn't be here tonight because she was trying on her dress and DICK CHENEY shot her.

7:12 Jon Stewart gets the ICE GRILLE from Jamie Foxx. Walk the Line was apparently not the white man's Ray.

7:16 What the fuck is Nicole Kidman talking about? Chris: She is so blunted!

7:18 "I thought that was Dave Matthews" Chris, in response to seeing a picture of Paul Giamatti.

7:23 George Clooney gives his first stump speech, and it's actually really nice. I mean, I'm a liberal, but every time Susan Sarandon opens her mouth I just want to shoot a potato gun at her face.

7:26 Shout out to my dog Hooch!


Ben Stiller, please go die. You are a douche and your stupid skit sucks.

7:32 Awesome, it's Nick Park.

7:35 Naomi Watts looks like a goddamned cavewoman. Whoa, WTF, where the hell did Dolly Parton come from, and why? It's not fair that she gets to do this, but they don't get to do "Hard Out There For a Pimp". Alysia just compared Dolly Parton to an ant, with their sectioned bodies, which is one parts funny, three parts cruel.

The envelopes that the award-winners' names are in look like Netflix envelopes.

7:48 Jennifer Anniston comes out and you can just see the depression seeping out of her every pore. As she walks out, Sara: "Somebody please marry this woman."

7:51 That costume-designing woman just thanked "the people of Japan." That means she thanked 127,417,244 people.

7:59 Alysia just pointed out that the dude who played the Sith Lord looks like Pope Benedict.


8:06 - Rachel Weisz robbed Michelle Williams. Every man in America is thinking the same thing about her chest...oh, who am I kidding? I'm one of like six men in America watching The Oscars.

8:12 - Scott Hearne and Alysia are laughing at Lauren Bacall for all of the trouble she's having getting her lines out, the mean fuckers. The tribute to film noir was really nice.

8:22 - George Clooney is king of the tasty face tonight! And Charlize Theron is queen of the big-ass bows.

8:25 - These penguin dudes can kiss my ass. Murderball was way better.

8:28 - Wow, they put the new Goldfrapp single in a Diet Coke commercial.

8:37 - As Samuel Jackson walks out, Alysia shouts "Snakes on planes! Snakes on planes!"

FUCK YEAH! Howard Beale is in the place.

8:42 - Sara and I are gonna get a pet chicken and name it Gregory Peck. There's an amazing joke going on in the room about having sex in a tent with Itzak Perlman, but there's no way I could really convey it. You had to be there.

8:48 - The guy who wrote the Brokeback Mountain song just thanked "all the Latinos," which is approximately 296.5 million people. That's more than twice the number of people that the costume designer from "Pride & Prejudice" thanked.

8:57 - Dude, why do they keep slamming DVDs? Theater-going = Tupac Shakur, DVD's = Biggie Smalls?

9:00 PM - Someone please feed Jessica Alba. She used to have some junk in her trunk, and it was beautiful. Sara comes through with the vulgarity: "His penis would break her!"

LILY TOMLIN AND MERYL STREEP please shut the hell up. If this were a true Robert Altman-style tribute to Robert Altman, it would go on for four and a half hours and be overrated by everyone. I gave up on Nashville after an hour and a half with no idea what was happening. The Long Goodbye was nice.

9:13 - Robert Altman eats brains.

9:19 - Three Six Mafia is on the Academy Awards. I must be on drugs. I mean, other than the cold and flu medication. I'm so thowed. Why did the stencil quit blogging before this happened?

9:23 - Allison eats the balls first, in case anyone was wondering.

9:28 - Memoirs of A Geisha has been nominated in, like, every technical category. Alysia: "King Kong is sweeping the awards that no one gives a damn about."


9:41 - Jon Stewart: "Martin Scorsese: zero Oscars. Three Six Mafia: One."

9:43 - Allison: "Seriously, if someone is going to thank me from one part of their heart, I'd like it to be the bottom, because that's where the ventricles are and they do all of the work."


10:12 - "Fuck the New Yorker." Allison the Hater.

10:20 Ugh. Hideous graphic design! I mean do we really need the title of the movie 3 times vs. a teeny tiny screen of the movie? Who let the intern design the title cards for Best Director??

10:22 Mother fucking Jack Nicholson in the HOUSE! He is obviously on Valium.

10:23 BULLSHIT? CRASH? Fuck what? I'm horribly confused.

Good Night and Good Luck next year.